Friday, January 25, 2013
We found out yesterday that sometime last week we lost our baby girl. After having what is called a "missed miscarriage", and having no symptoms at all, I went for a routine visit and no heartbeat was found. After realizing what my Dr. was gently trying to tell me, my heart broke for what I had missed - a chance to hold and care for my precious child. A second ultrasound was completed and she guessed that baby was a girl. We were going to name her Elizabeth and call her Lizzie. Elly was going to finally get her sister. I didn't realize you could miss someone so desperately that you've never had the chance to meet. I was 15 weeks along and had gotten to hear a normal heartbeat twice before. No symptoms, no clues, nothing.
Today I had surgery with my Mom and Husband waiting for me in support. I never got to see my baby but I feel so connected to her. I know she is home now and I will see her someday, but until then there will be an emptiness in me that is helped only by the peace of God.
Now the waiting begins. Baby was sent for lots of tests to find out what went wrong. By all accounts, I am in a small group of 2nd trimester miscarriages. We have lots of questions and few answers so far. As hard as today was, the group of nurses and doctors at Centennial made the process a little easier. They were amazing and truly kind. Even the man who rolled me to the operating room encouraged my faith, gave me tissues, and sang to me.
Today was my baby girl's birthday. My heart is hurting. I am so thankful for the prayers of my precious friends and family. When we say we're okay, just know that we will be okay. Sometimes it is hard to express ourselves... But rest assured that we have faith in our God of peace and He feels closer than He has felt in a very long time.