My Weakness

Have you ever thought that if you had enough time/energy/prayers you would finally be good enough? You would get everything accomplished. Your house would be perfectly decorated. Your house would be clean. Your children, spouse, and yourself would eat the perfect amount of grains, veggies, fruit, proteins, and dairy every day. Your body would be lean, trim, and acceptable in your critical eyes. You would exercise. Your children would be played with, read to, talked to, sang to, hugged, kissed, taught and encouraged without fail. Every day. Your car would be clean. Your flower beds would be weeded. Your mind would be constantly challenged and improved by reading, study, and reflection. Your marriage would be strong. You would save your family money. You would find time to craft. You would visit friends and family. You would be involved in worthy causes. You would have a stellar prayer life. Your life would be organized.

Your life would be:
Perfect.

It's my weakness. It's what drives me. It's what keeps me working. And sometimes, it's my hell.

I write lists. I scream at my family. I cry and cry and cry. I despair. I get encouraged. I do better. Then I do it all over again.

It's my weakness.

I have guilt. Misplaced guilt. I have voices in my head telling me repeatedly that I'm failing. I'm never going to get it right.

I'm treading water. I'm trying to be perfect, knowing but never really realizing that it can't happen.

Sometimes it feels like I'm drowning in a sea of expectations, goals, task lists, negative thoughts, and overwhelming emotions.

It's my weakness.

I need to be perfect in order to be good enough. And I never am. And it kills me.

It's my weakness.

There is a song out by Matthew West, a popular Christian singer. It's called "Strong Enough." The most encouraging part of the song for me are the following lines,

Cause I'm brokenDown to nothingBut I'm still holding on to the one thingYou are Godand you are strongWhen I am weak
The only thing that I can hold on to when the thoughts overwhelm and my world gets out of control, is the fact that God is in control. He is strong. He is constant. He is faithful.
So if you're struggling with the same things as me, I can't offer encouragement from someone who has overcome. I can't tell you how to fix it. 
But I know that trusting in God is the only refuge I can take. 
He is strong in my weakness. 
"Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me." 
2 Cor. 12:9 NLT(emphasis mine)